It's a good thing, in the right context and the right time.
I'm gonna bare my soul here.
Over the past few months I've been becoming slowly more and more aware of aspects about how myself and my mind operates which has been worrying but also enlightening. I operate extremely well off validation- hearing people say that I'm doing an awesome job, that I've got great skills, that what I have created is great. I thrive off that. Call that an ego problem, but I do. I think we all do to an extent, some more than others. Someone tells me I've done a really good job, or that I'm a natural at something, and it makes me feel worth something.
But there's a dark side to it, one I've been noticing lately as well. This addiction to validation means I am always seeking to find my self worth and fulfilment from an external source, from someone else. And when I don't get it, it puts me down and starts messing with my head.. Even though I know what they have said before is still true, I constantly seek to hear it again and again, more and more.
It really hit yesterday after boxing training. I've been boxing for about a year now. We had been doing some technical sparring- not full out bashing each other but not heaps easy either. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved it and I love boxing. But afterwards I realised something clearly for the first time, sorta like something that had been at the back of my mind but only fully surfaced for the first time. I didn't want to be a boxer. Over the past year I had been entertaining notions of trying to take boxing as far as I could in the amateurs, maybe trying to get to the Olympics. Wasn't something I told many people, and the people I did tell I usually felt uncomfortable afterwards. I realise now it's because it wasn't my dream. I don't have the drive or commitment or love to properly do anything significant in boxing, but the reason that I had those thoughts was because I was so in awe of my coaches, Nudge, Mark and Steve. I respect them so much and love being with them. Just the fact that I get the opportunity to hang out with a professional boxer and the best boxing coach in Australia still leaves me wondering how I got so lucky.
So, I'm here with these few awesome individuals. The only way to get their attention, time and praise in the beginning months was to do what?
Do well in training and show improvements in my boxing. So I did. I committed to it and because I was on such a high from the attention I began to get, I associated that feeling with boxing and thought, wow, I love boxing this must be what its like to be a boxer. I wanna box!
But no. It was my fucking ego. Because when the attention was turned to other people, turned otherwise, boxing lost that appeal for me. I couldn't figure why, I wasn't enjoying training as much as I used to. I was feeling jealous for no reason. Jealous when other people got praise, got attention. Feeling bitter. It was real shitty of my to be completely honest. It was because I'd tied that feeling of happiness and WORTH to boxing and the level of attention I was getting from my coaches. I thought the way for them to like me was to do well in boxing. But that was bullshit. I could be friends and get along just as well with them if I wasn't a boxer.
This addiction to validation is something is something that really needs to be worked on. I need to just tell myself I can do something if I really believe I can, then bloody do it. With the rap that I wrote about in the last blog, I sent it to a few people to give me feedback. The feedback got me on that temporary high, but the next day I was back to questioning whether what I wrote was any good or not, whether people would like it. So I wrote some more, the sent it to one of my mates again to get that validation high. I got it, but it faded once again. Its a cycle man. I'm working on getting to that place within myself where I can just have certain belief in my skills and my ability, in writing or any other thing I do.
It needs to come from inside us. Not from outside. That's something American entrepreneur and self development master Ed Mylett speaks about- how addiction to validation is an ego problem. The addiction to others opinions and praise is a killer because while everything may be fine while we are getting it, when it ends, we will lose our sense of worth, identity and drive in which area we were getting it from. E.g. the boxing, or anything. Could be your school, your sport, your hobbies. The specific episode that Ed talks about this in is "The Ed Mylett Show- What your EGO is holding you back from (and how to fix it)." His podcast is one of the three that I listen to consistently, and can honestly change your life. Full of tips to practically change and supercharge your life. He usually interviews top performers to pick at the lessons in their stories and their mindset to discover trends in what it takes to become successful. He has interviews TV personalities, MMA fighters, boxers, dog training experts, health and fitness masters, businessmen, horse riders, dancers. A whooooole range of people. I can't wait to meet him.
So yeah, moral of the lesson is to take a hard look at our lives and where we are getting our sense of worth and fulfilment from. If its from inside us, our hearts, if its because we truly believe we are worth the world and capable, then good. It if stems from the words and actions of others, as I have been operating the last few years, then we need to take a step back and take some good reflection. Because the high is only temporary, it fades and becomes hollow, leaving us unfulfilled until the next hit.
A quick aside, the search for this next hit may very well propel us to move forward and improve in our skills in the sport, in career, relationships or business. So it may look like we are improving and loving what we are doing, which is what was happening with my boxing. But in the long run, it will leave us feeling burnt out and feeling lost, leading down the wrong path that isn't one that truly fulfils our passions and purpose. Because I have come to this revelation, I've been able to take a hold of my relationships with validation and my raps while it is still in its infancy. I know they are good, so I don't need anyone to tell me that. It still feels nice, no doubt about it, but it isn't my sense of worth. I'm doing it for me, FOR ME. And you should do everything you do for YOU.
Until next time, keep moving forward.
Misha
Something Small
A good laugh
The type that makes your ribs hurt
Where you forget everything else
Only here
Only now
Savour it
Treasure it
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